Lay It Down: A Journal Reflection

“…I know in 10 years this is going to be the most painful thing to look at… like the journal from hell.”

I’ve been going through my old journals the past couple of days, and I was really sobered by this entry in particular:

February 20th, 2012

[Directed at my mom who was freshly suspicious of my self-harm at the time]

“Like for God’s sake- Yes, I cut myself. I have for forever. Well, not forever but a pretty significant amount of time. And yes, I know it’s not a good thing, but do you really think pointing it out all the time is going to make me deal with it? NO. If I want to deal with it, I’ll deal with it; and if I want to keep cutting myself, I’ll keep fucking cutting myself. So, you see? I’m not saying that I’ll never stop; I’m just saying that you can’t tell me to stop. If I want to keep cutting, I’ll find a way to keep cutting. Simple as that. So what’s the point in bugging me about it?”

HOW STUBBORN we are in our sin and self-destruction (!!!). We don’t see our stubbornness for as ridiculous and damaging as it is in the moment, and we allow our vices to remain active parts of our lives – but how much better off we would be if we didn’t.

I’m not sure this one needs any more explanation than that itself.

Today, I am encouraging you to LAY IT DOWN. Get real with yourself. If there’s something you feel you can’t let go of, can’t move on from. If something other than Christ is defining you, controlling you, guiding your thoughts and actions.

Whatever your “thing” is: LAY IT DOWN.

I eventually laid down self-harm, and I continue to lay things down as they come up. We must actively make this decision to walk in peace.

Reach out to someone. Get the help you need. Walk into light and freedom one day at a time.

You’ll be so much better off. (It’s hard to believe I ever thought otherwise.)


Victory in Jesus (feat. yesterday)

This post is a day late because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to write it or not.

Yesterday was my two year mark of not self-harming. It was a huge day to me, but a personal one and not something I would naturally make a big deal out of. I shared my excitement with a few select people and continued on with my routine. But all day, there was absolutely nothing you could have said or done to throw off my happiness (or throw off my groove, if you know what I’m referencing).

Sitting in my room, thinking at 11pm, I was completely overwhelmed with how beautiful the day was to me. My two year mark of not self-harming was about so much more than simply not self-harming; it was a testimony to every bit of the beauty and transformation that has taken place in my life since that time.

I am insanely grateful to not be bound by self-harm anymore, and I am not for one second minimizing how difficult breaking that habit was. But for me, walking out of self-harm was less about walking out of self-harm and more about walking into the light.

Breaking the chains of self-harm was the first time I ever truly understood freedom. Walking out the process changed everything and opened the door for the Lord’s healing and transformation in so many other areas of my life.

I am better for having been brought to that place.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.” -Psalm 107:1

Two years of not self-harming is a milestone, but more than that, it is the clear mark of what the Lord has done and is continuing to do in my life.

Lord, You are so good.