“…I know in 10 years this is going to be the most painful thing to look at… like the journal from hell.”
I’ve been going through my old journals the past couple of days, and I was really sobered by this entry in particular:
February 20th, 2012
[Directed at my mom who was freshly suspicious of my self-harm at the time]
“Like for God’s sake- Yes, I cut myself. I have for forever. Well, not forever but a pretty significant amount of time. And yes, I know it’s not a good thing, but do you really think pointing it out all the time is going to make me deal with it? NO. If I want to deal with it, I’ll deal with it; and if I want to keep cutting myself, I’ll keep fucking cutting myself. So, you see? I’m not saying that I’ll never stop; I’m just saying that you can’t tell me to stop. If I want to keep cutting, I’ll find a way to keep cutting. Simple as that. So what’s the point in bugging me about it?”
HOW STUBBORN we are in our sin and self-destruction (!!!). We don’t see our stubbornness for as ridiculous and damaging as it is in the moment, and we allow our vices to remain active parts of our lives – but how much better off we would be if we didn’t.
I’m not sure this one needs any more explanation than that itself.
Today, I am encouraging you to LAY IT DOWN. Get real with yourself. If there’s something you feel you can’t let go of, can’t move on from. If something other than Christ is defining you, controlling you, guiding your thoughts and actions.
Whatever your “thing” is: LAY IT DOWN.
I eventually laid down self-harm, and I continue to lay things down as they come up. We must actively make this decision to walk in peace.
Reach out to someone. Get the help you need. Walk into light and freedom one day at a time.
You’ll be so much better off. (It’s hard to believe I ever thought otherwise.)
LAY IT DOWN.